It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
