remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
