that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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