Small penises have feelings too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
