Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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