I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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