I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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