god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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