I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
