Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
