Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
