I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I touched a dick in church today
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
