Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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