So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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