if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
