I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
