then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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