i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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