I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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