Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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