I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
