Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
