Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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