I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
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