Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
