i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
