no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
my god I love twenty year old dicks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
