Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There r osticjed everywhere
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
