I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I queefed so loud it echoed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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