She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
