just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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