The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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