With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
