I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
