Heybabeimwearingurpanties
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
