I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
