I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
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I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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