the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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