I didn't shave. On purpose
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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