I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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