I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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