A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
