Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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