I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
