I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
