had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
