My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
