I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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