Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
