I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My liver is preforming stress tests.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
