Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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